Spiritual Growth Isn’t Intuitive—It’s Taught

Russ Ewell:

How do we teach spiritual life skills? You know, it’s been a lot of fun having Christian and Michelle join Mike and I for the podcast, which we’ve already talked about. What are spiritual life skills? How do spiritual life skills change our lives? But we want to get practical and want to talk about, well, okay. How do we teach each other life skills? How do we help each other? And it may be that you have a mentor who’s sitting down with you and showing you how to develop them. But some of the most awesome experiences I’ve had in my life have been with friends of mine from high school on who have had skills I didn’t have and they taught me and I had skills they didn’t have and I taught them and we grew together. Let’s read two scriptures. 

Hebrews 12:11

No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening. It’s painful. But afterward, there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way. 

The Bible teaches us that God is trying to train us. And here’s the important thing. He’s not training us just to make us into something. God doesn’t need anything from us. I think we make the mistake of thinking, well, why is God doing this to me? God, everything God does is to our benefit. So he’s training us because there’s something in store for us that’s pretty awesome. Romans 8.28 talks about, works all things together for the good. In the voice translation it says, he works all things out really so we can have a beautiful life. And I think we have to remember that what we’re doing today has very little to do with what we’re going to receive in the future. Meaning, it’s a building block. It’s not the whole event. 

In 1 Corinthians 9:24 it says, all athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. 

1st Corinthians 9:24-27 talks about running the race. And so we want to talk about how do we teach spiritual life skills? And I’m going to bring Mike in in just a minute to talk about it, but we’ve got six ways to do that. 

Number one, inspire others by sharing your life, your journey, and how your development of particular life skill helped you reach a goal or see a dream come true to inspire them that they can develop that same skill and gain that same benefit. 

Number two, break things down into steps. We like to call this spiritual incrementalism, allowing it to happen patiently and trusting that if you build over time, you’ll not only have momentum, but you’ll reach the goal. 

Number three, encourage daily. Consistent connection matters. We’ve got to have people cheering us on. You know, in an early episode, we were talking about sports and I remember all of our sports had cheerleaders. Well, that’s important because even in sports when you’re on the field, it can get discouraging. It’s nice to hear the fans screaming and yelling to support you. That’s what we need to do for each other. Encourage daily. 

Number four, face-to-face relationships. In this technological age in which we live, we have a tremendous amount of emotional disconnection because we’re trying to connect often using tools instead of face-to-face relationships. There is no replacement for a face-to-face relationship. 

Number five, celebrate small wins. That’s a hard one for me. But, you know, they have this old phrase called stop and smell the roses. I don’t do that very well. But it’s real important for being able to grow. To not look at small wins as irrelevant. As a parent who special needs kids, it’s helped me to be able to, and I do it, all the time to celebrate small wins, because to me small wins are big wins. 

Number six, evaluate growth after 30 days. Many studies will tell you if you can sustain something for 30 days it’ll become part of your character. 

So let me get Mike in here to talk about the ones that he thinks are important, and that he can give you some tips maybe on how to teach those skills, and then we’ll bring in Christian and Michelle.

Mike Query 

Yeah, know, the list is awesome. I think that first one, you can’t emphasize enough, inspired by sharing your life. You know, I can’t you the times I’ve tried to, I put pressure on myself. I’m trying to train or pass on some knowledge or coach or what manage and I just see eyes glazing over when I’m trying to like give some info do this do this or even take like my daughter when I was teaching her ride a bike I tell her the mechanics you go this this is how you balance and she’s just but the second I started telling her about like all the times I’ve fallen down you know like falling on to get my first cut and everything she and her eyes light up she’s like really you know and you can see that confidence kind of go up and it was like it’s not just me I think this the same thing in relationships when you’re trying to the more you can share about adversity, how I overcame and just, it’s helped me the times even in marriage, like when we’ve been in fights. I first time Amy and I sat down with a couple and they, we were so riled up because we had gotten in a fight and we sat down and we shared about our fight like, oh man, what are they gonna say? And they just like paused and just laughed like, oh man, we got in like five fights like this month about that same thing. You know, and I think it just is like a disarming effect that it has when you share and then you get the hope after we, here’s what we did to overcome. So I mean, that’s the first one that jumped out to me.

I feel like the one that I needed just a lot of help with was that second one too, the breaking things down into steps. I know me, I get overwhelmed looking at the big picture. It’s something my wife helps me with, executive function, it’s a weakness of mine. I feel like if you’re trying to help someone, just looking at the big picture first, but then sitting down like, okay, let’s break this down. And then you can go what’s manageable and how do we put times on each one of those. It helps with scheduling, it helps with just planning things out, setting goals and everything. So I think just those first two right out the gate, even starting with those, it’s going to go a long way towards helping someone go from A to B and helping them grow in a life skill.

Russ Ewell 

I want you to talk a little bit more, Mike. First of all, you said executive functioning. Not all of our listeners know what you’re talking about when you say executive functioning is hard for you. And what does that have to do with teaching or learning?

Mike Query 

Yeah, I mean for me the the way I’ve come to understand executive functioning is just you know the ability to plan, focus, look at tasks and be able to have some sort of system to accomplish them or tackle them. I look at a list and my first reaction is to get overwhelmed and just looking the other way. It’s very difficult for me to, okay, this can be done tomorrow. These two things can be done today. This is what we kind of have time for. And when I’m not tackling the stuff, when I’m not getting help, it usually comes out in, I’m leaving late, I’m missing assignments, like these kinds of things.

Russ Ewell 

How does it affect your ability to teach or how does it affect people’s ability to learn? In other words, we’re talking about how do we teach spiritual life skills. So what I’m thinking when you were talking about it is that that gets in the way sometimes. And I was thinking  there are a lot of people out there that, I don’t know that everybody has executive functioning challenges, but they, know, organize, like me, I’m one of the, I find that I don’t have a lot of people like me that I love lists, I love creating them, I calm down when I make lists, I work, you know, like that kind of thing. So I don’t know that I’m better or worse at executive functioning. I think we are just different people. But I think it would be helpful for you to just talk about like when it comes to teaching peers life skills, because there people out there listening going, I have a hard time teaching anybody anything because I don’t think I’m any good at anything or I don’t know how. I mean, my mom was a teacher. So I realized now as I’ve gotten older that the way she raised me had elements of it the way a teacher would teach students. And so I learned to learn from her. And as a result of being taught like that, when I became in high school, I was selected to be one of the coaches for fifth and sixth graders. So I was on a team, the team, and the coach picked some guys to coach players. And when I coached a team, they were undefeated. We killed everybody. And it was because I didn’t realize I had been taught to teach. And I’m grateful for my mom for that, but I was thinking there people out there going, I don’t know how to teach and you sound like you’re saying teaching isn’t easy for you. What are some of the things people can do to overcome that? And how do you work at that to be able to teach people your own age? I mean, the kid thing is great, but I think a lot of people don’t have kids or their kids are gone or you know, whatever. They’re trying to figure out how do I teach a friend? How do I teach a peer? How can I learn from a friend? How can I learn from, does that make sense?

Mike Query 

Yeah, I think so. mean, one of the things in the time management organization study that I was working on was, you know, starting at the spiritual level, first identifying for me, I usually either am avoiding something, meaning I want to run away, just keep the can down the road, procrastinate, or I’m feeling stuff and I over plan. That’s when I start, you know, trying to do too many things just to feel good. So I think the first was just the self-awareness part is understanding, OK, what’s what’s going on with me so that I can actually make a plan without being either too avoidant or too over-scheduling. So I think once usually when I’ve done that spiritual work, I can sit down, look at everything on my schedule and just start to map things out. So I think if I’m trying to help a peer, usually try to have a conversation with them first if we’re really sitting down and going, hey, what’s what’s going on? How are we doing? If we have that kind of relationship, right? Like how are you feeling about everything on your plate right now? Is there anything you’re are you are you anxious? Is that coming out and distracting or is your calendar completely overbooked because you’re trying to do too many things right now. And I think once we got there, at least that’s what I kind of learned from there, everything else just got a little bit easier because I’m not, I don’t have 50 things piled up because I’ve been avoiding them and I don’t have like 50 things I need to cancel because I overbooked. And I think things got a lot more manageable once I start getting to that place where I’m dealing with my heart before diving into the calendar.

Russ Ewell 

So you’re saying, before I can teach anybody effectively, I have to be able to get my own life in order, so that I can go in there and I can actually be thinking about the other person and helping the other person. I think that’s probably what I learned from you. So a lot of people, Mike’s trying to say, hey, one of the reasons you may have a hard time teaching somebody else or giving to somebody else, is you have to spend a little bit more time getting your own life in order. Although I don’t want anybody out there to think, well, my life’s got to be in order before I can say anything. Actually, that’s not true. I think people learn best from people who are going through it, not people who only talk about it after they’ve been successful. Which of course, sounds like that’s what you do Mike, so that’s pretty cool. Christian and Michelle, what are your thoughts?

Christian Giron 

Yeah, I think the biggest way to teach someone is having empathy. And I think going through it with them, it’s easier, at least for me, if someone’s walking through something with me rather than, hey, go do this. And generally, for example, when I was in college, I had a friend who, there’s just different life schools he didn’t have. So one time we’d hang out every week, and one time he didn’t know how to parallel park. Not one time, he just didn’t know how. So I was like, hey, well, we’d go to Berkeley or different things where, I mean, you got no option really. So I was like, hey, we’re going to spend the next hour, and we’re just going to parallel park. Another thing was he didn’t know how to do laundry, which was fine. And I was like, OK, well, this is how We just sat there, and we just did it. And another friend, he needed a job. And I was like, all right, well, we’re going to go to the mall, and we’re going to go inside every store, and you’re going to ask who’s hiring. And so we went from the front to the end, and I was like, this is what we’re gonna do, you know, and it wasn’t, I needed–

Russ Ewell 

Did you buy anything while you were doing that, Christian? Did you? Yeah, I was helping a friend as I purchased things.

Christian Giron

If I had money, yes. Yeah, I was walking around like this, two backs, but exactly, but I think walking through someone with them, being in there in the moment, and not thinking you got it all together, I think, just being a friend, think, yeah, so.

Russ Ewell 

Yeah. And it sounds like you were breaking things down too for him. You know, I think when you get down to laundry, getting a job, that’s, you know, me, I would not always do that. I might sit there and tell him, okay, let’s plan out how to do your laundry, get a job, date, get married, have a child. Like I end up, and then people walk away, you know, frazzled, you know. So I like how you, one, you were personal. You went with him personally. I think a lot of times we don’t want to walk with somebody. We don’t like actually want to go do something with them. We want to sit at a table and say, here’s how you do it and hand them a piece of paper or send them an email or a text, or just listen to them talk about how they’re frustrated and go good luck instead of saying, no, I need to go with them. I need to show them how. And a lot of that is parenting. What I find in my experience and many people who’ve taught me how to parent and as I’ve learned to parent, parenting is about getting in the trenches with your kid and going through it all, which is really hard on my selfishness personally. But when you get in there, that’s the only way to learn. And for those who played sports and Mike’s a musician, for those of us who’ve had to learn something, the only way is you have a coach. I remember, and you remember this Christian learning how to shoot, right? And I remember I’d have to make the window. You know, you got to make the window so you see through it. And I had a coach constantly hitting me on the elbow going, get that elbow in, because I would have that elbow out there. And he kept tapping it. He’d go, shoot, he’d hit it. Not hit it hard, he’d just tap it. And I think sometimes we think people are going to learn by us giving speeches. And I know in churches that happens a lot. People get up and they, that sermon was awesome. But if someone doesn’t actually personally get involved with you the way you did, then you can’t learn it. So that’s fantastic. You nailed a lot of them. Inspire by sharing your life. Mike hit that a lot. But you nailed break things down into steps, encourage daily and face to face relationship. That’s awesome. Michelle, come on in there and help us out.

Michelle Giron 

Yeah, I think the the one that stood out to me was the face-to-face because I think the Having the hard conversations to with friends like that’s part of being on the ground I got help with it’s not even necessarily hard conversations. It’s just walking through sometimes people just have to talk through things and they even figure it out I had times where when I was trying to figure out what school to go to you like I had a friend that sat with me and we wrote down all the pros and cons right and looked at things spiritually and where I was gonna get the most supports and that was just one of my best friends that did that at the time with me and it helped me pick a college. And then dating, same thing. I had spiritual conversations where they’re like, is that person really helping you or do you just want them to help you because you wanna date them? I those kind of spiritual conversations…

Russ Ewell 

That was Christian.

Girons 

Yes, exactly. Yeah, that was Christian helping me out. But I think that, yeah, I liked that on the ground. I think it’s true. Like a lot, if I look back, it was a lot of just conversations and helping people draw out my heart, even getting what I’m really thinking out. So I think that’s huge when you’re trying to teach somebody is you have to know what’s first inside, right? Because I can do that to you where I’m coming up with my list of do this, this and this. And I don’t even know what they’re thinking or how they’re processing or how they learn. And so I do think the drawing people out, what’s really inside and then also helping teaching each other, okay, let’s think spiritually about this. Let’s think about your life, you know, and what’s best for your life. Cause it’s gonna look different for everybody, right? So, yeah.

Russ Ewell

I think it’s fantastic. You know the the final two really are celebrate small wins and evaluate growth after 30 days. Celebrating small wins is really very important and sometimes I make this mistake a lot. I’ve got such a big goal that I want to help someone reach, or I’ve got a big goal I want to reach, that I don’t celebrate small wins and so I end up feeling like I’m making no progress. And so it’s important that we celebrate small wins and so I would encourage people out there especially if you’re working with a teenager or a college student, instead of saying, can’t believe you can’t do that yet, try, hey, at least you’re aware of the fact that you don’t do it. And you can begin to make progress that way. And as Christians, the Bible teaches us the fruit of the Spirit is patience. And I have to work on this all the time. I’m not a patient person by nature. And even with the Holy Spirit, I’m still wrestling with it. But what I’ve seen with the power of patience is you can help people grow immensely. And what helps me is to look back on how long it took me to get to certain places and the people in my life. And so let’s remember to celebrate small wins. And for those of you who may be younger, let’s say you’re in your mid or early 20s, many times we’re so ambitious for what we want to have happen for ourselves. We don’t realize that some of the biggest lessons you’re going to learn in life that will help you be successful is what you give to others, not just what you do for yourself. And then evaluate growth after 30 days. I do think you’ll find that the studies are correct. That if you can sustain an effort for 30 days, it’s going to stick, at least more than likely it will stick. So how do we teach spiritual life skills? There’s six things we’ve talked about. We’re not going to go super in-depth anymore, but you can take these and you can build on them. 

Number one, inspire by sharing your life. 

Number two, break things down into steps. Spiritual incrementalisms, what we like to call that.

Number three, encourage daily. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be positive. I mean, it doesn’t have to be like, you did it, you succeeded. Sometimes it can be a conversation that Michelle described, where it’s an honest conversation about, hey, you didn’t even try. You can’t say you’re a failure, you haven’t tried yet, but encourage daily. And then there’s also obviously the encouragement that we’ll talk about on the fifth point. 

Number four, face to face relationships. I thought that was powerful what both Christian and Michelle shared about that. It’s easy to want to mail it in and just sort of say, here, you you can do great, here’s my text, or I’m going to send you five emojis, or I’m going to send you a GIF, you know, and I helped them, I really supported them. I don’t think GIFs are, you the only thing that GIFs good for when it comes to encouragement is peanut butter. That’s a whole other discussion. 

But then number six, evaluate growth by 30, after 30 days. You know that means? That means we’ve got to be willing to stick with each other for 30 days on something. And that’s, in other words, you know, we talk about being professional quitters. It isn’t just being a professional quitter ourselves. Sometimes we’re professionals at quitting on other people. 

And so, if we can take these six steps, practical ways to teach spiritual life skills, I think we’ll receive the encouragement of seeing ourselves grow, but even more, we’ll get the encouragement of seeing others grow. I want to thank Christian and Michelle for being a part of our podcast. We kind of made a little series here that we think will help a lot of people and give them a lot of inspiration. As always, Mike and I enjoy delivering these to you. 

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