Speak Confidently and Listen Calmly: Why the Best Communicators Don’t Do All the Talking

Have you ever been so angry or hurt in a conversation that you couldn’t hear the other person? Or avoided a discussion because it felt too stressful? Or maybe you got tongue-tied in the moment, only to think of the perfect response later?

These are signs that we need to grow in our communication skills, and the best way to do that is to learn from the expert: God.  

Listen to my words, O LORD, Consider my groaning and sighing. [2] Heed the sound of my cry for help, my King and my God, For to You I pray. [3] In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will prepare [a prayer and a sacrifice] for You and watch and wait [for You to speak to my heart].

Psalm 5:1-3 AMP

God listens calmly and speaks clearly. These two skills don’t come easily to us as humans, but God develops them in us as we walk with him. 

One clear example of this came on an evening when I was juggling household tasks while stressing about work, and my wife had to physically stop me to get my attention. I was getting increasingly snappy and wasn’t listening to her attempts to slow me down. She suggested I take a break to pray. God listened to me pour out everything in my heart, and as I talked with him I realized that my stress and anger came from insecurity and fear of failure that I hadn’t been able to communicate. 

My talk with God gave me clarity, turning a rough evening into a breakthrough conversation with my family. Effective communication changes everything—our relationships, our jobs, and our lives. When we talk to God, he teaches us to speak clearly and listen well, improving every relationship in our lives. This is a lesson I’m continuing to learn. 

Where effective communication starts

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. [29] Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. [30] For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

One of Jesus’s defining traits was his ability to communicate clearly and effectively. Whether facing accusations (Matthew 27:12), questions (John 8:3-6), or overwhelming demands (Matthew 14:13-14), he remained calm, humble, and gentle. He spoke truth without anger, listened attentively, and asked insightful questions to draw out hearts.

Jesus had a heart at rest, and this overflowed into his communication with others. Matthew 11:28-30 tells us that if we want that same calm confidence, we need to learn from Jesus and his walk with God. Effective communication starts long before we enter a conversation. 

• He prayed daily (Mark 1:35-37), aligning his heart with God so he could be present with others.
• He relied on Scripture (Matthew 4:3-4), responding with truth rather than emotions or opinions.
• He was motivated by love (John 15:9), entering conversations to understand and care rather than prove himself.

Even if we don’t do anything else to work on our communication, building our lives on these three foundations will drastically change the way we interact with others. 

Scriptures for reflection

1.  Listen first, speak second.

How Jesus did it:

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group [4] and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. [5] In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” [6] They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. [7] When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” [8] Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

John 8:3-8 NIV

Jesus stopped to listen before he responded. He didn’t jump to conclusions or impulsively answer, even when the Pharisees questioned him relentlessly. He took the time to listen to what was happening in the situation so that he could answer wisely. 

How we can do it:

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, [20] because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. [21] Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. [22] Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 

James 1:19-22 NIV

This passage encourages us to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. It shows us that by first listening to God’s Word and letting it reveal our hearts, we can respond thoughtfully, not driven by emotions or opinions.

Anger often arises when we are unaware of our own hearts during a conversation, so we react instead of listening. This lack of self-awareness breeds insecurity, making us defensive to feedback or truth. But when we are spiritually self-aware, we can listen calmly and speak confidently.

2. Be present and undistracted.

How Jesus did it:

One day Jesus was walking along the Sea of Galilee when He saw Simon (also called Peter) and Andrew throwing their nets into the water. They were, of course, fishermen. [19] Jesus: Come, follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men. [20] Immediately Peter and Andrew left their fishnets and followed Jesus.

Matthew 4:18-20 Voice

Jesus was present and undistracted enough to notice Peter and Andrew,  take an interest in who they were, and help them grow into purpose. This led to strong and long-lasting friendships between them.

How we can do it:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. [7] And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

The verse above is the first I ever memorized. Fear is a major challenge in my communication. These are some ways I have seen it in my conversations: 

• I can’t hear the other person because my anxiety distracts me.
• I blurt things out because I react to what is said or I just want to fix it to relieve my anxiety. 
• I hide my true thoughts and sins, fearing rejection.
• I offer solutions quickly, avoiding emotions that feel out of control.

This passage reminds me to give my anxieties and requests to God in the moment. Knowing he loves me and will respond brings peace, allowing me to be present and undistracted in my conversations. 

3. Check your “self” at the door.

How Jesus did it:

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;  rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

Philippians 2:5-7 NIV

Jesus was free from ego and selfish motives in his relationships with people. He had a mindset of serving others, which allowed him to go into conversations thinking of the other person rather than himself. 

How we can do it:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. [19] We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:18-19 NIV

Perfect love drives out fear. Remembering Jesus’s love always calms me and inspires me to love others the same way. He stays with me, forgives me, and he died for me at my worst. He’s never going anywhere, even if a friend rejects me, someone criticizes me, or I say the wrong thing.

Experiencing this love and remembering it  empowers me to offer others the same forgiveness, kindness, and patience that Jesus shows me. I am the most confident when I know I’m loving how God wants me to. 

4. Celebrate honesty, even when it hurts. 

How Jesus did it:

Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. [24] God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

John 4:23-24 NIV

Jesus understood that truth is always good because truth brings us close to God. He didn’t react to people’s sin or make it difficult for them to be honest with him (Luke 7:37-47, Luke 19:1-10).

How we can do it:

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. [6] If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. [7] But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

1 John 1:5-7 NIV

Light is where God is. Though conversations about sin (our own or other people’s) can be painful, they bring us closer to God and others. We can’t connect if something remains hidden. Embracing the truth, even when it hurts, helps us grow. (1 Corinthians 13:6).

5. Respond to the heart, not the behavior.

How Jesus did it:

Jesus saw what was going on-not just the argument, but the deeper heart issues-so He found a child and had the child stand beside Him.

Luke 9:47 Voice

Jesus didn’t give into petty arguments. He understood the deeper heart issues at play, and so responded to those, rather than reacting to the emotion or argument that covered them. This self-control took a level of wisdom and spirituality that can only come from a relationship with God.

How we can do it:

He who has knowledge restrains and is careful with his words, And a man of understanding and wisdom has a cool spirit (self-control, an even temper). [28] Even a [callous, arrogant] fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips he is regarded as sensible (prudent, discreet) and a man of understanding.

Proverbs 17:27-28 AMP

Our words matter, and God gives us the wisdom to use them wisely. Through prayer, his love, and honesty, we develop a “cool spirit” to navigate conversations with wisdom and self-control.

Next steps for good conversations

This video offers five tips for effective communication. While aimed at people with ADHD, we can all apply these tips with spiritual concepts to communicate more clearly.

5 Tips to Make Assertive Communication Easier and More Effective

1. Recognize and name your feelings: Being aware of our feelings helps us communicate them clearly. By talking with God daily to recognize feelings and taking the first step to be vulnerable with others and naming feelings, we build trust and open the door for sharing.
2. Recognize and name your needs: It’s hard to express needs if we don’t know them. Identify the “need behind the need” and take time to pray and reflect before asking for something. Sometimes what you need is time to respond. If someone asks for your thoughts, it’s okay to ask for more time to think and pray about it.
3. Start small: Practice your communication in low-pressure situations, like with close friends or family members. Equip yourself with scriptures that address your communication struggles, like reacting in anger, keeping silent out of fear, or staying focused on ourselves. Having spiritual victories in small situations will build your confidence for bigger ones.
4. Be aware of body language: Communication is more than words; tone and body language matter. Prayer brings peace so that our verbal and nonverbal communication is calm.
5. Don’t procrastinate: Take time to process your thoughts and feelings spiritually, but don’t avoid a situation in hopes that it will get better. Ignoring an issue won’t resolve it, and it often makes things worse.  If you don’t know how to communicate something, ask for help.