… we become together what we could not be alone.

Romans 12:5 Voice

When Abraham Lincoln became president in 1860, he made a surprising move—he hired three of his biggest rivals to be his advisors. His reasoning was that they had strong leadership talent, which the country needed, and their differing opinions would keep his thinking sharp. 

He was right. Lincoln’s ability to both influence and be influenced by this team helped him successfully steer the country through some of its darkest times.

God designed us to work together with other people to fulfill our destiny—and not just with other people who agree with us. How well can you work together with people who think differently than you do? 

As iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens [and influences] another [through discussion].

Proverbs 27:17 AMP

Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

Amos 3:3 NLT

To negotiate is to have discussions with someone in order to reach an agreement with them. It means having conversations where there is a back-and-forth, a mutual give-and-take to influence each other for the better. These types of conversations create friction (ie iron sharpening iron), which can be uncomfortable. It’s very tempting to avoid this friction, but developing the ability to embrace and appreciate it is a skill that can make all the difference in our lives and in the world. Understanding the skill of negotiation spiritually will help us be effective at building relationships and teamwork in our families, at school, and at our jobs.

How does God help me work well with others?

But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn’t be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own…[25-26] The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together as a church: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don’t, the parts we see and the parts we don’t. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance. You are Christ’s body—that’s who you are! You must never forget this. Only as you accept your part of that body does your “part” mean anything. 

1 Corinthians 12:19-21, 25-27 MSG

God keeps it simple: none of us can be successful on our own. We need each other. He has a purpose for each of us to do good and make him known, but we can only carry that purpose out by working together with other people.

Just as one enormous eye is a monster, we become “monsters” when we operate alone. We make everything about ourselves, and try to negotiate for things that only benefit us. 

Some of us do this by digging our heels in and forcing our own way, refusing to budge. Some of us allow ourselves to be walked all over without any push back, seeking to appease others. Psychology calls these “aggressive” and “passive” ways of communicating. 

For the purposes of this devotional, we will look at aggression and passivity through a biblical lens: 

• Aggressive communication in biblical terms is pride. Pride leads to conflict (Proverbs 13:10), shuts others down (Philippians 2:3), and thinks its own way is the right way (Proverbs 12:15).
• Passive communication in biblical terms is fear. Fear keeps us silent (Job 31:34), compromises our beliefs (1 Samuel 15:24), and values other people’s opinions and views over God’s (Proverbs 29:25).

God gives us another way to work with each other.

But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’ [a firm yes or no]; anything more than that comes from the evil one.

Matthew 5:37 AMP

Yield to obey each other as you would to Christ.

Ephesians 5:21 NCV

These verses might seem contradictory on the surface — Matthew 5 tells us to stand our ground in what we say, while Ephesians 5 tells us to yield to each other — but they’re both in the Bible for a reason. How do we follow both scriptures? How do we work well with others without pridefully taking over or fearfully staying silent?

God’s way of bringing us together is not aggressive pride or passive fear, but assertive love. Love is how we work well with others without compromising who we are or shutting others down.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction].

1 Corinthians 13:1 AMP

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud [5] or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. [6] It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. [7] Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT

Love isn’t proud: it doesn’t demand its own way. Love also isn’t fearful: it doesn’t tolerate injustice but values the truth. 

Love — God’s love for us flowing into our love for others — is how we can be assertive and confident in our relationships. Love makes us think beyond ourselves about how we are influencing and affecting the people around us. Love gives us a greater purpose than self-interest in our relationships. 

 Let’s learn how we can work together to help each other grow.

How do I work better with others?

1. Develop self-awareness.

There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

Proverbs 14:12 NLT

Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety.

Proverbs 29:25 NLT

For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

Hebrews 4:12 NLT

Pride says: I already know what to do; I just need everyone else to get on board.

Fear says: I don’t want to make a mistake, so I’ll just try to make everyone happy. 

Love says: I know I have blind spots. I appreciate how God, the Bible, and spiritual friends help me see more clearly and show me the path to take. 

Take action: Ask a close friend or family member how they feel about working with you. What are the challenges with working together? What do they think your strengths are? 

2. Find a common purpose.

… we, too-the many-are different parts that form one body in the Anointed One. Each one of us is joined with one another, and we become together what we could not be alone.

Romans 12:5 Voice

Pride says: I need to prove myself. My confidence comes from how much I can do and how impressive I can be.

Fear says: I don’t have much to offer. They’re fine without me.

Love says: There is something we can be together that none of us can be alone. God has a plan that’s greater than me or anyone around me.

Take action: Pray about the common purpose God has for you and those around you. Pray about what role you have in that purpose, along with what role those around you have.

3. Speak up, and be gentle.

By patience and a calm spirit a ruler may be persuaded, And a soft and gentle tongue breaks the bone [of resistance].

Proverbs 25:15 AMP

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

Ephesians 4:15 NLT

Pride says: I need to stand my ground; otherwise people will walk all over me.

Fear says: I need to suck it up and not speak up; otherwise people will reject me. 

Love says: I need to speak up about what I see or feel, but I need to do it gently. I trust that God will bring me the protection and security I need, so I don’t need to force my point.

Take action: Write down some areas you see you need to speak up. Write down how you can communicate these areas with them in a gentle way, and then set up a time with them to discuss.

4. Build a culture that shares the load.

Moses’ father-in-law said, “This is no way to go about it. You’ll burn out, and the people right along with you. This is way too much for you—you can’t do this alone…keep a sharp eye out for competent men—men who fear God, men of integrity, men who are incorruptible—and appoint them as leaders over groups organized by the thousand, by the hundred, by fifty, and by ten…They will share your load and that will make it easier for you. If you handle the work this way, you’ll have the strength to carry out whatever God commands you, and the people in their settings will flourish also.”

Exodus 18:17-23 MSG

Pride says: I got this. No one else can do it as well as I can.

Fear says: Someone else has got this. I just need to get out of the way.

Love says: We’ve got this. Our team can only grow if we’re sharing each other’s loads.

Take action: Pick 3-4 relationships you want to build a team with. These could be friends, co-workers, or family. Talk with each other about how you can start building a culture together that shares the load.

5. Empower others to be assertive, too.

Now, those who are mature in their faith can easily be recognized, for they don’t live to please themselves but have learned to patiently embrace others in their immaturity. [2] Our goal must be to empower others to do what is right and good for them, and to bring them into spiritual maturity. [3] For not even the most powerful one of all, the Anointed One, lived to please himself…

Romans 15:1-3 TPT

Pride says: I need to do what’s best for me. I don’t have time to help someone else grow.

Fear says: I don’t know where to start helping someone else, so I won’t try. I’m too focused on myself to empower others. 

Love says: I’ll learn from Jesus how to empower others. I get joy from helping someone else grow.

Questions for reflection

• Am I aggressive and proud, passive and fearful, or assertive and loving in my relationships?
• Who has God put in my life to be a team with?
• How can I bring assertive love into each area of my life?
  • School
  • Job/Career
  • Family 
  • Friendships

Next steps

• Read the NYT article “Don’t Negotiate, Be Persuasive” to learn more about how to negotiate better with others.