It happened about three months into our marriage: CONFLICT! 

I knew it was inevitable, but I was still unprepared to resolve it. My point of view felt like the most important thing in the world at the time, even though the argument itself was pretty insignificant. We both said emotional and hurtful things to each other, and we felt distant and broken. 

Conflicts cause painful feelings like hurt and rejection, and these feelings can damage relationships in what feels like irreparable ways. That’s why Peter, one of Jesus’s followers, asked just how many times he was supposed to forgive someone who hurt him:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”

Matthew 18:21-22 NIV

Peter wanted to limit how much conflict he needed to endure. I certainly relate to this desire. But Jesus said no. He told Peter to keep opening his heart, to keep engaging in relationships, and to keep forgiving even when it hurt. 

Why would Jesus tell us to do that? Wasn’t he aware of how incredibly painful conflict can be? 

Yes. Jesus had his fair share of conflict. He faced it with the religious leaders of his time (Luke 5:19-26), his family (John 7:1-9), and even his best friends (Matthew 16:21-23). He was also rejected by those he helped (Luke 22:49-53), ridiculed by his own people (Mark 15:29-32), and betrayed by some of his closest followers (Luke 22:47-48). 

Jesus knows the pain of conflict, but he didn’t let it harden him or make him bitter. He didn’t avoid it either. He was aware of something that science backs up — conflict itself isn’t negative. In fact, it can be really good. It’s what we do with conflict that matters. 

As iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens [and influences] another [through discussion].

Proverbs 27:17 AMP

If we let it, conflict can sharpen and influence us to grow. But it only happens through spiritual discussion—which we’ll define as “shaking things off” so we can “talk them out.” 

In my example above, the conflict my wife and I had led to some really good conversations. We had to shake off our pride and guilt, talk out our hurts, and forgive each other with the help of the Scriptures and good friends. 

As only God can do, he helped us become closer because we decided not just to sweep the argument under the rug but to tackle the underlying issues and sources in our hearts. Thirty years have now passed since that conversation, and my wife has had to forgive me many more than seventy-seven times. That’s why conflict resolution—both in marriage and relationships as a whole—is a vital part of living our best life.

A spiritual guide to resolving conflicts

Later the close followers of Jesus began to argue … [47] Jesus saw what was going on-not just the argument, but the deeper heart issues …

Luke 9:46-47 Voice

Arguments reveal deeper heart issues. That’s how Jesus saw them, and he used conflicts  as opportunities to teach and bring growth. 

If we let God teach us, conflicts can not only be resolved but also become a catalyst for greater attachments, convictions, and growth in our lives and relationships. This can only happen, though, if we are willing look beyond the surface of the conflict at what it reveals about our hearts. 

This article is meant to be a helpful guide for couples, friends, families, or anyone to use to look deeper into our hearts when we are in a conflict. This will help us resolve the conflict and grow from it. First, we’ll discover the source of our conflict and then take steps to resolve it. 

Where do I start in resolving a conflict?

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.

Proverbs 20:5 ESV

When we can’t resolve a conflict, or when the same argument keeps coming up over and over, it’s usually because we aren’t drawing out the deeper cause of the disagreement. Most conflicts escalate because we are focused on what we can see—how people are treating us and the superficial grievances we have with each other. If we want a deep resolution, we need to be willing to look deeper into our own hearts. We will be able to see the situation much more clearly when we look at ourselves before pointing the finger at the other person (Matthew 7:3-5). We need to understand our own reactions and why the situation is causing certain emotions in us.

The first question I ask when I am trying to resolve a conflict is “What is the true source of this conflict?” When the source of the conflict is unaddressed or unacknowledged, we will always hit a barrier when we try to find resolution. 

The Bible gives us insight into the causes of unresolved conflicts, and here are some options it gives us: 

Not all conflicts come from unresolved sins. Sometimes, conflicts happen because we are trying to stand up for what’s right. Here are a few other sources of conflict in the Bible:

• Standing up for our convictions  – “Just remember, when the unbelieving world hates you, they first hated me. [19] If you were to give your allegiance to the world, they would love and welcome you as one of their own. But because you won’t align yourself with the values of this world, they will hate you. I have chosen you and taken you out of the world to be mine. (John 15:18-19 TPT)
  • Am I in a conflict because my convictions are bringing up feelings in another person that are not personal to me? 
• Telling someone a truth they need to hear – But when Peter came to Antioch, I had to oppose him to his face, for what he did was very wrong. (Galatians 2:11-14 NLT)
  • Am I in a conflict because I am trying to point out a helpful but perhaps uncomfortable truth to a friend?

It’s important to recognize when conflicts are happening because we are trying to stand up for what’s right—but not so that we can be self-righteous or superior to the other person. The goal is to be compassionate and understanding of the larger spiritual issues at play so that we don’t take things personally and respond in a way that can make the situation worse. 

When God shows us the source of the conflict, we can understand what is happening and take appropriate action. 

If someone does you wrong, don’t try to pay them back by hurting them. Try to do what everyone thinks is right. [18] Do the best you can to live in peace with everyone. … [21] Don’t let evil defeat you, but defeat evil by doing good.

Romans 12:17-18, 21 ERV

Spiritual conflict resolution is not dependent on the other person’s response or reaction. We can always take responsibility for our choices and turn to God for the forgiveness of our sins or sinful response to the situation. When we do, we will be much more willing and able to forgive the other person. No matter how deep or contentious a conflict may be, there is always hope because God shows us the path to love and forgiveness. We can always overcome evil by doing good. 

Now that we’ve done the work to identify the source of our conflicts, let’s look at how God can help us resolve them, and ask ourselves the right questions to keep him part of the conversation.

Four questions that help us resolve conflicts and find spiritual perspective 

1. Have I acknowledged my sins and need for God’s forgiveness?

Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. [13] Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. [14] Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-15 NLT

Our lives and relationships are determined by our own heart condition (Proverbs 4:23 NLT). When we are in a conflict, it’s easy to feel that the other person’s sins and mistakes are the problem. While we can’t control what other people do, we can always choose how we respond. When we are aware of our own faults and our need for forgiveness from God, we will be much more likely to respond to other people’s faults with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience rather than bitterness, anger, criticalness, and pride. 

The inability to see our own faults in a situation is called self-righteousness. It blinds us to our own need for forgiveness and prevents us from extending forgiveness to others. To resolve a conflict, we have to shake off our self-righteousness so we can see clearly. 

When my heart is filled with gratitude for God’s forgiveness, my outlook on life and my view of relationships completely change (Luke 11:34-36 Voice). Acknowledging all the ways we sin and need God’s forgiveness sets the stage for us to extend that same love and forgiveness to those around us. It empowers us to have conversations when necessary and appropriate that are gracious, kind, and helpful rather than biting and critical. 

2. How much have I talked to God about this conflict?

“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

Mark 11:25 NIV

Before anything else, prayer is the first conversation we should have. Jesus teaches that a big part of prayer is forgiving people (Luke 11:2-4 NIV). It is so important to God that he says forgiveness of our own sins is attached to our willingness to forgive others. 

Forgiveness takes faith (Luke 17:3-5). We have to believe that God will protect us and heal our hearts. We have to trust that his way of resolving conflicts is better than our own. All of these things take prayer and spiritual power. God will give us the faith and love to forgive, but the power and magic of forgiveness begins when we pray. 

In prayer, we can access God’s power by being completely emotionally honest with him. We need to tell him our hurt and anger as well as our deeper fears and insecurities. We need to take responsibility for our own sins, ask how he feels about them, and ask for help changing our hearts. There have been times in my life when my bitterness has run so deep that it brought poison and toxicity to my relationships (Hebrews 12:15 NLT). It is only through doing daily hard work in prayer that I have been able to uproot and work to overcome it. 

3. What’s influencing me most—God’s Word or something else? 

A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 19:11 NIV

Not every disagreement needs to become a battle. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is simply let go of minor offenses. Holding onto grudges only hurts us in the long run, like the age-old quote:

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” -Saint Augustine

But this can feel easier said than done. We know it’s better to let go of resentment, and yet it stays strong. How can we shake it off in a conflict when our emotions overpower us?

We are human, but we don’t wage war as humans do. [4] We use God’s mighty weapons, not worldly weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. [5] We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 NLT

God gives us his Word as a mighty weapon (Ephesians 6:17). When we “wage war as humans do,” relying solely on our own emotions and or the opinions of another person, we end up hurting ourselves and those around us. But when we ground ourselves in the Bible, we gain the perspective, strength, courage, and patience to resolve conflicts and let go of resentment.

4. Have I expressed truth like Jesus did?

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there… First go and be reconciled to them.” 

Matthew 5:23-24 NIV

Jesus did not tell us to avoid conflict; rather, he taught that our relationship unity is so important that we need to prioritize talking things out. In his relationships, Jesus didn’t brush things under the rug or stay quiet. He knew that suppression and silence do not promote good relationship building; rather, they are the causes of most of our mistrust, insecurity, and distance. 

Instead, Jesus spoke the truth. At times, he had to rebuke people sharply (Mark 8:32-33). But he didn’t do it out of resentment or self-centered anger. This is why it’s essential that we do the spiritual work of finding forgiveness and humility before we try to talk things out with other people. 

Jesus told people truth because he loved them and wanted the best for them. He didn’t take things personally or hold onto the past (Luke 23:34). He curiously asked questions, responded calmly to unfair accusations, and loved people regardless of what they did in return (John 18:33-37, Matthew 26:24-48). Jesus didn’t avoid conflicts or suppress the truth—he always talked things out. When we are afraid of conflict or want to avoid it, we can look to Jesus for guidance on how to speak the truth in a loving and helpful way. 

How do I keep growing in my ability to resolve conflicts?

As it has been noted, conflicts should not be viewed as something bad or negative; they are a natural part of all relationships. Learning how to resolve conflicts is a continual and lifelong process that can lead to more faith and closer attachments. 

Here are some ideas to stimulate further growth and discovery about how to handle conflict in a positive, spiritual way.

• Study people in the Biblewho had conflicts and learn the good and the bad lessons from how they handled them. The Bible does not avoid showing the good, the bad, and the ugly of relationship conflicts. Ask yourself what the conflict, the resolution, and the lesson from each example are. Here are some people to get you started:
  • Abraham and Lot (Genesis 13)
  • Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25:27-34, Genesis 27, Genesis 33)
  • Joseph and his brothers (Genesis 37, Genesis 42, Genesis 43, Genesis 44, Genesis 45:1-15)
  • Aaron, Miriam, and Moses (Numbers 12)
  • David and Saul (1 Samuel 18-31)
  • Jesus and the Pharisees (throughout Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John)
• Develop the art of listening. When in conversations and building relationships, practice and develop being an active listener. Too often, we can be in a conversation but have our minds on ourselves or other distractions. Educating ourselves on how to listen and be attentive can help us when we are talking things out. Here is a book you may find helpful: The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships by Michael P. Nichols, PhD
• Initiate with friends and family. Ask your friends and family what patterns they see in you historically and currently when it comes to resolving conflict. What can you learn from your relationship history? How can it help you be more self-aware? How can this lead you to learn how to change the negative patterns and strengthen the positive ones? For more help and discovery in this area, read the chapter “Why We Doubt God: Identifying Our Unfinished Emotional Business” in He’s Not Who You Think He Is: Dropping Your Assumptions and Discovering God for Yourself by Russ Ewell.