Building relationships has never been easy for me. Growing up, I was so insecure I could barely talk to new people. When I was 18, I moved from Hong Kong to the U.S. for college, and the language barrier only made it harder to connect with people. I watched people form friendships easily and wished I could be like them, but it felt impossible.

Then one day, another student invited me to a Bible study. At first I was hesitant, but something in me was curious. As I studied the Bible and got to know God, I realized I didn’t need to prove myself to be loved. God saw me as valuable—so valuable that he sent his Son to die for me. That truth gave me courage, and slowly, my insecurities started to fade. I began to open my heart to others because I finally knew who I was to God.

God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

1 John 4:9-10 NLT

God’s love not only calmed my fears, but opened my eyes to a new way of building relationships. I could love others the way God loved me.

Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.

1 John 4:11-12 NLT

…There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

1 John 4:17-18 MSG

As God’s love pushed out my fear, I found space to care about others. Before, I was consumed by worries: What will people think of me? What will I say? Will they like me? God’s love freed me from self-absorption and helped me see people in a new light—to love, listen to, and learn about them.

Becoming a Christian was the first step toward building lasting relationships. Since then, God has grown my ability to love others deeply. That growth has changed my life and helped me live out my purpose (John 10:10).

 In this article, we will look at why relationship skills matter, how God can help us develop them and what a difference we can make when we love, listen, and learn. 

Why do we need to grow our relationship skills?

Humans are made to be social. Research shows that friendships improve health, help us overcome challenges, and shape who we are. But beyond its benefits to us, the ability to love others selflessly changes the world. In a time when loneliness and isolation rates are at an all-time high, learning to be a true friend may be the most valuable skill we develop.

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.

Ephesians 5:1-2 MSG

Some people are naturally outgoing, but deep and unselfish love is learned. The best teacher? Jesus. The Bible tells us to observe the way he loved and learn to love like him.

Jesus was a master at building friendships. He loved, listened to, and learned about people. In one particular story, he befriended a man named Zacchaeus, whom everyone else had written off:

Jesus entered Jericho and made his way through the town. [2] There was a man there named Zacchaeus. He was the chief tax collector in the region, and he had become very rich. [3] He tried to get a look at Jesus, but he was too short to see over the crowd. [4] So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore-fig tree beside the road, for Jesus was going to pass that way. [5] When Jesus came by, he looked up at Zacchaeus and called him by name. “Zacchaeus!” he said. “Quick, come down! I must be a guest in your home today.” [6] Zacchaeus quickly climbed down and took Jesus to his house in great excitement and joy. [7] But the people were displeased. “He has gone to be the guest of a notorious sinner,” they grumbled. [8] Meanwhile, Zacchaeus stood before the Lord and said, “I will give half my wealth to the poor, Lord, and if I have cheated people on their taxes, I will give them back four times as much!” [9] Jesus responded, “Salvation has come to this home today, for this man has shown himself to be a true son of Abraham. [10] For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.“

 Luke 19:1-10 NLT

Jesus noticed Zacchaeus, called him by name, and invited himself to Zacchaeus’s home. Despite the crowd’s grumbling, Jesus saw a man eager to change. Zacchaeus responded with generosity and repentance. Jesus declared salvation had come to Zacchaeus that day.

 This story shows us how Jesus built relationships by taking the time to love, listen, and learn.

1. Love: Jesus wasn’t too busy or self-consumed to notice Zacchaeus. Making room for people in our hearts is an essential aspect of building relationships.
2. Listen: Jesus heard Zacchaeus and the people who were grumbling about his choice to go to Zacchaeus’s house. He wasn’t defensive or angry; he simply listened and responded. Being willing to calmly listen to people’s feedback and respond is another important skill in building relationships. 
3. Learn: While others grumbled about Zacchaeus and called him a “notorious sinner,” Jesus noticed a desperate man, full of guilt and eagerness to change. Learning about people to understand them is crucial to building friendships.

Jesus cares for each of us in the same way. When we experience the love of Jesus ourselves and follow in his footsteps, we will be able to build friendships the way he did. Our lives will change as our relationship-building skills grow.

How do we love, listen, and learn?

1. Love grows when our hearts are open.

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction].

1 Corinthians 13:1 AMP

True love starts with a heart open to God’s love. Love doesn’t come from tactics or techniques; it comes from opening our hearts to God, revealing our real thoughts, feelings, and sins so that our hearts can be tender and responsive to God and other people. When we allow God to reveal and cleanse sins like bitterness and selfishness from inside us, we will have much more room to care for other people.

Now you can have real love for everyone because your souls have been cleansed from selfishness and hatred when you trusted Christ to save you; so see to it that you really do love each other warmly, with all your hearts.”

1 Peter 1:22 TLB

Sin hardens us and makes our love grow cold (Matthew 24:12). When I first studied the Bible, I realized my difficulty connecting with people wasn’t just coming from shyness—it was coming from bitterness and envy (Proverbs 14:10).

Growing up in a wealthy neighborhood, I was surrounded by friends who had things I didn’t— big houses, drivers, maids, and vacations I couldn’t afford. At the time, I didn’t realize how much this affected me. But looking back, I can see that envy and insecurity slowly distorted my view of them.

Instead of seeing their hearts, I saw their lifestyles. Instead of drawing close, I judged. Instead of loving, I distanced myself emotionally.

The truth is, my comparison created a quiet bitterness that made it hard for me to care deeply for others. I looked at people and assumed they “had it all” —but I missed their deeper needs for acceptance, vulnerability, connection, and purpose. I failed to see that wealth doesn’t protect anyone from loneliness or the need for real love.

Opening my heart about these sins softened my heart, making me more aware of my need for God, forgiveness, and friendships. I grew grateful for God’s forgiveness and started seeing people with compassion instead of comparison.

Opening our hearts to God is not a one-time thing; it’s a daily process that keeps our love growing (Hebrews 3:12-13). As Jesus said, those who are forgiven much will love much (Luke 7:47).

2. Listening strengthens relationships.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

James 1:19 NLT

The ability to listen is essential to building relationships. As I mentioned before, I’ve always been a quiet person. I thought my quietness was harmless, or even thoughtful. But when I stepped into leadership, things changed. I found it difficult to connect with and motivate people, despite caring deeply about them. Then I received feedback I didn’t expect: “You seem distant. It feels like you don’t like us.”  It hurt to hear. But instead of getting defensive, I chose to listen.

What I realized was this: I had been silent out of fear—fear of saying the wrong thing and fear of being misunderstood. But my silence made me appear self-focused and cold, even though my heart was the opposite. My quietness, which I thought was neutral, had actually become a wall that kept people at a distance. I wasn’t communicating warmth, welcome, or care. 

Once I understood the impact of my silence, I took steps to grow: I worked on being more approachable; I made space for small talk and smiles. I began sharing more of what I was thinking and feeling.

People responded with trust and connection. They began to see me not just as a leader, but as a friend.

Sometimes, the key to deeper relationships isn’t saying more; it’s listening to how we’re perceived and being willing to adjust out of love. That’s humility, and that’s how God helps us grow.

3. Learning about people helps us understand them.

When pride comes [boiling up with an arrogant attitude of self-importance], then come dishonor and shame, But with the humble [the teachable who have been chiseled by trial and who have learned to walk humbly with God] there is wisdom and soundness of mind.

Proverbs 11:2 AMP

Live happily together in a spirit of harmony, and be as mindful of another’s worth as you are your own. Don’t live with a lofty mind-set, thinking you are too important to serve others, but be willing to do menial tasks and identify with those who are humble minded. Don’t be smug or even think for a moment that you know it all.

Romans 12:16 TPT

Being humble and teachable in relationships means being willing to learn about people rather than assuming we already know what they’re thinking or feeling.

I’ve learned this most deeply through parenting—especially through my relationship with one of my children, who is neurodivergent. When he was young, he would have big emotional meltdowns, and I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know what triggered the meltdowns or what to do when they happened. I felt helpless, like I was failing him.

But then, with the encouragement and guidance of friends, I realized something important:
Loving my son meant learning about him.

I had to stop assuming I already knew how a young child should behave or feel. I had to become a student of him, studying his mind, his heart, and his needs. What made him anxious? What calmed him down? What made him feel sad, overwhelmed, or seen?  

In addition to studying him, I needed to pray for understanding and for God to reveal things about his heart that I couldn’t see. Becoming a learner completely changed my outlook and my relationship with my son. I began to see meltdowns as learning opportunities, and my faith grew as I saw God giving us insights in answer to our prayers. Humility was my pathway to learning to love as a parent, and I’ve found the same to be true in every relationship. 

When we are curious about people, rather than judgmental, insecure, or frustrated, we will initiate with them, ask questions, and be undeterred if they put up walls or defenses. When I seek to learn about others, I take things less personally, I am less concerned about what others think of me, and I see both conflicts and connections as opportunities to know them better. 

The more we seek to learn about people, the better our relationships will be.

Next steps

The Bible has taught me many practical ways to love others and build closer relationships. Here are some next steps you can take to build deeper relationships by loving, listening, and learning. 

Don’t feel like you have to take on all these practicals at the same time! Pick the area you want to work on most and take one step at a time. 

Practical ways to love others:

• Pray to love people before your conversations with them (1 Thessalonians 3:12 GW). 
• Greet people and be friendly (2 Corinthians 13:12 CEV). 
• Be hospitable and open your home as a way to make people feel loved (1 Peter 4:8-9).
• Serve (John 13:14-17). God teaches us to love in every opportunity he gives us to babysit, give someone a ride, or drop off a meal. 

Practical ways to listen to feedback:

• Seek out advice rather than avoiding it (Proverbs 15:22).
• Overlook offenses by being forgiving if people don’t say things perfectly (Proverbs 19:11, 17:9). 
• Listen for God’s voice (Proverbs 3:5-12 MSG). We can calmly listen to people’s feedback when we trust that God loves us and is guiding us somewhere good. 

Practical ways to learn about people:

• Ask questions (Philippians 2:4). Approach conversations with curiosity and a desire to understand. 
• Spend time with people (Hebrews 10:24-25). The more time we spend with people, the more we understand what motivates them.
• Follow up about what you’ve learned (1 Corinthians 13:4 AMP). Being thoughtful and checking in on things people have shared in the past helps them know we care.